It's the simple things that make the most difference.

This year I’ve faced the most death that I’ve ever had to deal with. It’s not as much as some people, but it’s still many. 

The first funeral that I understood happened at the beginning of my senior year of high school. It was two of my friends’ grandmother. She lived a long full life for the glory of God. She had no regrets and it was a beautiful day of watching a Child of God finally being able to go home.

The second funeral that I understood happened at the beginning of my freshman year of college. It was the funeral of my best friend’s little brother. It was an expected, and an unexpected death. He was diagnosed with Blackfan Diamond Anemia when he was born. He fought his entire life against it, but every trial that he came up he beat. Until this last battle. This last battle finally beat him. But he lived his life as God would have wanted him to. While his life wasn’t long, he lived it to the fullest. He will always be missed, but it’s good to know that he is in heaven with our Father.

Now, this is the latest death that I’ve had to deal with. A guy I went to high school with shot himself last night. He will never be able to graduate high school. He will never start college. He will never fall in love. He will never marry. He will never have kids. He will never find God. He didn’t get to live a full life. He didn’t live a life knowing God as his Savior. He took his own life because, well no one understands why he did it. Everyone thought that he was happy. He always acted like it. But no one took the time to really see him I guess. No one took the time to let him know how much he meant to them. This is the hardest death for me, because even though I wasn’t close to him, I know that he’ll never know the love of Christ Jesus. He won’t be going to heaven with our God. He didn’t know His love, and he took his own life because he didn’t know how much He loves him. 

I guess the point of this is so that people will see this. And realize that life is precious. NEVER take things for granted. Live your life for God, and that means loving the people around you. Don’t assume that someone else will do it for you. Tell people EVERY DAY that you love them. Tell people EVERY DAY how much they mean to you. Tell people EVERY DAY that they are worth something. Tell people EVERY DAY about the love that Christ Jesus has for them. Don’t wait for somebody else to do it for you. Be the difference in someone’s life. Because one life is worth is. 

We’ll miss you forever and always Matt. Sorry that we couldn’t be there for you when you needed it most. 

Hey soul sister, I don't want to miss a single thing you do tonight.

Finally back at SWU, and so far it's been pretty freaking awesome other than a few mishaps here or there. It's good to be back, feels like home:) Last night I was reunited with the loves of my life: Gracie Clendening, Emily Martin, and Mary Fairchild. I missed my Jew/Hawaiian a whole freaking bunch though. Rachel Walker, things aren't the same without you, and you are loved by us all. Come back to us soon! Because you need to be with us when we play in the snow. Which, may I say, was freaking awesome! Well when we were walking down the hill I kinda slipped and fell, hit my head on the road, and...then promptly destroyed our "sled". Fail. But we able to salvage our sledding experience by recovering a sled that was tossed to the side by some other people cause it had a crack in it. It was so much fun...until I happened to get too much air time and broke that one too. Epic Failure. Oh well...Matthew went and got the door to the portapotty and tried to sled down with it...didn't work out too well for him. Haha Mary came in pretty much as we started to leave. But playing in the snow was great. Came back to StuB...thawed out...grabbed something to eat...watched a movie with the girls, and then took a nap. It was overall a pretty legit day. And we're planning on going back out tonight! It's gonna be freaking legit. Mary went and got one of those cooking trays from the cafe to use as a sled since I broke the first two lol but I'm thinking it's time for a nap because I'm too tired to function correctly, and I want to be able to have the full experience when we go outside! New pictures and videos when playing in the snow is over will be uploaded to Facebook afterwards:)

Find arms that will hold you at your weakest, eyes that will see you at your ugliest, a heart that will love you at your worst. Find someone that will love you not just because you are the strongest, the prettiest, and the best.

So there is exactly one week until I get back to SWU, and I'm so freakin excited! Sumter has been Hell on Earth pretty much these past three weeks, and it's gonna be so good to get back home. And I can honestly say that I feel like SWU is home for me...hey I'm kinda like Harry Potter in that regard! Well it's the truth anyhow. SWU being home that is...not being like Harry Potter. But it's gonna be good to be back, and hopefully I'll be allowed to stay because I've gotten to know some pretty amazing girls. Rachel, Emily, Mary, Gracie...are pretty much the greatest people I've ever met. I honestly can say that they are part of the reason why God sent me to SWU, and didn't have me stay in high school another year or stay at USC Sumter or even go to Clemson . Even though this year would've gone a lot smoother and a lot less complications would have arisen if I'd never gone to SWU, if I had another chance to do everything over again...I'd do it all the same. When I screw up, these girls don't judge me. They help me up and set me straight. But unlike a lot of people lately, my screw ups don't make them think any less of me. Can, and will they be disappointed in me? Yes. But they'll love me all the same, and won't judge. Won't compare me to others. Won't hold it against me. They know, understand, and realize that I am human. I make mistakes, and do stupid stupid things. I don't have to be perfect for them. They love my imperfections because they're what make me me, and not someone else. Last semester was a God sent blessing because of them.

This next semester will be tough though. I HAVE to find a job while I'm at SWU next semester, and I'll need to get a good number of hours. I need to start making some money because school isn't cheap, and I need to start paying for my own car insurance and my own cell phone bill. Maybe I'm being stupid in the regard that my father pays for both right now, but I need to start paying for them myself. I hate that when people do stuff for me in those aspects in life, they'll hold it over me. So I want to be completely and utterly independent in that regard. I hate depending on people, and feeling indebted to them.

But while I plan on working a lot, I don't plan on spending all of my time working. That'd make going back to SWU counter-productive. I wouldn't spend enough time with the people I love and care about. The people that make SWU home for me. It's gonna be different being home though. I'll be more grateful for SWU, a lot happier, and it won't be entirely the same. Rachel Walker won't be my next door neighbor anymore. I think it'll really hit me on the 11th when I go to breakfast before class, and I'll be eating on my own. She may just get a phone call while I'm eating or something. But whoever our new next door neighbor is, I hope they realize they have some pretty big shoes to fill...not literally of course cause the Hawaiian is a pretty tiny person:) And Mary Fairchild better make plenty of trips down the hall, and Gracie better keep her butt in the dorms on the weekends every now and then! I'll have my roommate back with me next semester thank God. I've missed sharing my jail cell with her!

Well it's definitely time to wrap this up. I'm up way later than I should be, but I'll leave y'all with an awesome picture to marvel at. It's the background to my laptop:D Remember you're only allowed to look, you can't touch. According to Facebook she's mine;)

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Sometimes we love people with everything that we have...and we just don't understand why the people we love don't love us as much as we love them. Love someone else, and they'll love you too, right? But just because you love someone with all that you have, and all that you are doesn't mean that they will do the same in turn to you. You can make the perfect gift for any occasion, be there and support them in any endeavor, and basically be the best friend you could ever be to them, and you're left feeling alone and casted aside. This is a good quote, "Isn't it ironic that we ignore the people that adore us, adore the people that ignore us, love the people who hurt us, and hurt the people who love us.", because it's so true. We never know what we truly have until the people that have loved us for so long for no reason finally give up. Because it sucks being the one to always think of others, being there for them no matter what, giving the perfect present, and just being the 'dependable' friend that they can always count on. For once, it'd be nice to have someone to think of you as often as you think of them. To have someone to write you a letter telling you how much you mean to them, just because. Being able to have someone in your life to be YOUR dependable friend instead of always being everyone else's dependable friend. 

But sometimes, we have to do some self-reflection and some critical thinking about the people around us. Maybe, sometimes you're not always that dependable friend. You're human, and you fail at certain things too. So you can't always be so self-righteous and assume you've done no wrong when a friendship begins to fall apart. And when you feel like your friend doesn't care anymore, and that they're just using you...remember that they may be loving you with all of their heart. Maybe they're the dependable friend for others, just like you are the dependable friend for them. People can't be the dependable friend to everybody as you know, and sometimes they're the dependable friend to the person that ignores them and hurts them the most because they're trying to earn their love and they don't focus so much on their friendship with you because they know they already have your love. So don't judge your friend that is hurting you, because more often than not you're doing the same thing to someone else. 

Friends are some of the greatest blessings in life, and if you can find one good friend you've been blessed beyond imagination. Good friends are hard to find, so once you find that friend don't screw it up because "friendships are different from all other relationships. Unlike acquaintanceship, friendship is based on love. Unlike lovers and married couples, it is free of jealousy. Unlike children and parents, it know neither criticism nor resentment. Friendship has no status in law. Business partnerships are based on contract. So is marriage. Parents are bound by law. But friendships are freely entered into, freely given, and freely exercised."- Stephen Ambrose. So don't worry about not being their entire life...you're their favorite part :)

A penny for my thoughts, oh no I’ll sell them for a dollar. They're worth so much more after I’m a goner, and maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’. Funny when you're dead how people start listenin’...

It's crazy how when you change environments your thoughts and moods can make a complete 180. For better or for worse, you never know. But sometimes people push and push, until they can't push anymore.

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

Well Emily threatened to not follow me anymore and be extremely upset if I started to blog elsewhere so I guess I should update this thingamajig right here. Blah...there really isn't much to say, because there hasn't been much to do. Sumter is extremely boring. There are more things to do in Sumter than Central and Clemson combined, but those things are no fun if there isn't anyone to do them with! But I guess this really does show who my real friends are since I've been back. Not a single friend has came around to come see me. And any plans have been instigated by myself. Oh well, there's only about three more weeks of this mess and then I'm back with the loves of my life:) Speaking of which, I miss them dearly. I honestly don't know what I'm gonna with myself over the summer time without them. But I've been thinking, well daydreaming while I was suppose to be working more like it, I'm gonna make some daggum super cool iPod game. And then I'm gonna sell it for $0.99 a download. Make a bunch of money because it's gonna become a big time hit overnight. Being uber rich I'm gonna buy a house somewhere in the Clemson area, and it's gonna be a NICE house. I'll pay off my debts for school, and some of the debt of my family. But then I'm gonna make it to where my girls and I will be able stick together. Beach houses, lake houses, houses in the mountains, vacations to exotic places...everything will be covered. Between Mary and Rachel, we'd be taken care of medically, Gracie would make sure we all behave for the most part, and Em will make sure we don't get addicted to stuff. Perfect life. Haha but that's as far as my daydreams have gotten since I've been at work. I'm sure there would've been plenty of hot guys with accents but I never made it that far unfortunately. Oh well, daydreams are for the birds anyhow. Gotta get out there and make things actually happen. And who knows...maybe I will make some uber cool smash hit iPod game;)

But if you want to leave, you can. I'll remember you though. I remember everyone that leaves.

Athazagoraphobia. Definitions include: the fear of being forgotten, the fear of being ignored, and the fear of nobody caring about you. It seems like such a stupid phobia, doesn't it? But it isn't stupid to the people who actually fear it.

People always leave. People always forget. 

And every time, it always hurts. Letting someone in, letting someone go. Maybe we're masochistic. We try to confront our fears and prove that it's stupid to fear what we fear, but get the same result every time. Every time it hurts just as much as the time before. To be honest, it probably hurts more each time. Because every time someone leaves that's another memory to remember. And remembering gets easier every time. Remembering when you exactly became friends, remembering exactly what was said in a trivial conversation, remembering...every excruciating promise to not be like the people who made you as jaded as you are. The more you remember, the more it hurts. But you fake a smile, and move on with your day. No one wants to see you cry...that makes for awkward silence while you sniffle, and uncomfortable hugging while they try to make their excuses to get on their way. Because they don't have those fears you have. They don't worry about whether people are gonna leave them or not...they're usually the ones that leave anyhow. They use you because there isn't anyone else better around at the moment. Tell you all the things you want to hear...I promise things won't change, we'll always be friends, I'M YOUR REAL FRIEND. The moment someone better comes along though, you better hope you like being alone. Because that's what happens. Sure plans are made when you go home, but that's with you instigating them, and then something always happens to come up. So there is always next break to get together. And then the next, and then the next, and the the next until there are no more breaks. Then it's time to give up.

Succumb to your fears until you meet something, someone that can help you move past them. If you're lucky you'll meet those people before you meet up with the Big Man Upstairs.

Not all of us are. But for others...the future looks promising. So long as those daggum insecurities don't blotch up the whole thing because that's what usually ends up happening when something good finally comes along.

Good things are scared off by your jadedness and insecurities, and then you're back at square one. Trying so hard to find someone, anyone that cares about you as much as you care about them. Hoping that they'll be the one to squash your fears and kick the boogy-man out from underneath the bed and the monsters from the closet.