Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Sometimes we love people with everything that we have...and we just don't understand why the people we love don't love us as much as we love them. Love someone else, and they'll love you too, right? But just because you love someone with all that you have, and all that you are doesn't mean that they will do the same in turn to you. You can make the perfect gift for any occasion, be there and support them in any endeavor, and basically be the best friend you could ever be to them, and you're left feeling alone and casted aside. This is a good quote, "Isn't it ironic that we ignore the people that adore us, adore the people that ignore us, love the people who hurt us, and hurt the people who love us.", because it's so true. We never know what we truly have until the people that have loved us for so long for no reason finally give up. Because it sucks being the one to always think of others, being there for them no matter what, giving the perfect present, and just being the 'dependable' friend that they can always count on. For once, it'd be nice to have someone to think of you as often as you think of them. To have someone to write you a letter telling you how much you mean to them, just because. Being able to have someone in your life to be YOUR dependable friend instead of always being everyone else's dependable friend. 

But sometimes, we have to do some self-reflection and some critical thinking about the people around us. Maybe, sometimes you're not always that dependable friend. You're human, and you fail at certain things too. So you can't always be so self-righteous and assume you've done no wrong when a friendship begins to fall apart. And when you feel like your friend doesn't care anymore, and that they're just using you...remember that they may be loving you with all of their heart. Maybe they're the dependable friend for others, just like you are the dependable friend for them. People can't be the dependable friend to everybody as you know, and sometimes they're the dependable friend to the person that ignores them and hurts them the most because they're trying to earn their love and they don't focus so much on their friendship with you because they know they already have your love. So don't judge your friend that is hurting you, because more often than not you're doing the same thing to someone else. 

Friends are some of the greatest blessings in life, and if you can find one good friend you've been blessed beyond imagination. Good friends are hard to find, so once you find that friend don't screw it up because "friendships are different from all other relationships. Unlike acquaintanceship, friendship is based on love. Unlike lovers and married couples, it is free of jealousy. Unlike children and parents, it know neither criticism nor resentment. Friendship has no status in law. Business partnerships are based on contract. So is marriage. Parents are bound by law. But friendships are freely entered into, freely given, and freely exercised."- Stephen Ambrose. So don't worry about not being their entire life...you're their favorite part :)

A penny for my thoughts, oh no I’ll sell them for a dollar. They're worth so much more after I’m a goner, and maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’. Funny when you're dead how people start listenin’...

It's crazy how when you change environments your thoughts and moods can make a complete 180. For better or for worse, you never know. But sometimes people push and push, until they can't push anymore.

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

Well Emily threatened to not follow me anymore and be extremely upset if I started to blog elsewhere so I guess I should update this thingamajig right here. Blah...there really isn't much to say, because there hasn't been much to do. Sumter is extremely boring. There are more things to do in Sumter than Central and Clemson combined, but those things are no fun if there isn't anyone to do them with! But I guess this really does show who my real friends are since I've been back. Not a single friend has came around to come see me. And any plans have been instigated by myself. Oh well, there's only about three more weeks of this mess and then I'm back with the loves of my life:) Speaking of which, I miss them dearly. I honestly don't know what I'm gonna with myself over the summer time without them. But I've been thinking, well daydreaming while I was suppose to be working more like it, I'm gonna make some daggum super cool iPod game. And then I'm gonna sell it for $0.99 a download. Make a bunch of money because it's gonna become a big time hit overnight. Being uber rich I'm gonna buy a house somewhere in the Clemson area, and it's gonna be a NICE house. I'll pay off my debts for school, and some of the debt of my family. But then I'm gonna make it to where my girls and I will be able stick together. Beach houses, lake houses, houses in the mountains, vacations to exotic places...everything will be covered. Between Mary and Rachel, we'd be taken care of medically, Gracie would make sure we all behave for the most part, and Em will make sure we don't get addicted to stuff. Perfect life. Haha but that's as far as my daydreams have gotten since I've been at work. I'm sure there would've been plenty of hot guys with accents but I never made it that far unfortunately. Oh well, daydreams are for the birds anyhow. Gotta get out there and make things actually happen. And who knows...maybe I will make some uber cool smash hit iPod game;)

But if you want to leave, you can. I'll remember you though. I remember everyone that leaves.

Athazagoraphobia. Definitions include: the fear of being forgotten, the fear of being ignored, and the fear of nobody caring about you. It seems like such a stupid phobia, doesn't it? But it isn't stupid to the people who actually fear it.

People always leave. People always forget. 

And every time, it always hurts. Letting someone in, letting someone go. Maybe we're masochistic. We try to confront our fears and prove that it's stupid to fear what we fear, but get the same result every time. Every time it hurts just as much as the time before. To be honest, it probably hurts more each time. Because every time someone leaves that's another memory to remember. And remembering gets easier every time. Remembering when you exactly became friends, remembering exactly what was said in a trivial conversation, remembering...every excruciating promise to not be like the people who made you as jaded as you are. The more you remember, the more it hurts. But you fake a smile, and move on with your day. No one wants to see you cry...that makes for awkward silence while you sniffle, and uncomfortable hugging while they try to make their excuses to get on their way. Because they don't have those fears you have. They don't worry about whether people are gonna leave them or not...they're usually the ones that leave anyhow. They use you because there isn't anyone else better around at the moment. Tell you all the things you want to hear...I promise things won't change, we'll always be friends, I'M YOUR REAL FRIEND. The moment someone better comes along though, you better hope you like being alone. Because that's what happens. Sure plans are made when you go home, but that's with you instigating them, and then something always happens to come up. So there is always next break to get together. And then the next, and then the next, and the the next until there are no more breaks. Then it's time to give up.

Succumb to your fears until you meet something, someone that can help you move past them. If you're lucky you'll meet those people before you meet up with the Big Man Upstairs.

Not all of us are. But for others...the future looks promising. So long as those daggum insecurities don't blotch up the whole thing because that's what usually ends up happening when something good finally comes along.

Good things are scared off by your jadedness and insecurities, and then you're back at square one. Trying so hard to find someone, anyone that cares about you as much as you care about them. Hoping that they'll be the one to squash your fears and kick the boogy-man out from underneath the bed and the monsters from the closet.

The only people who can truly know your story are the ones that helped you write it.

My life isn't a really interesting story. Well at least my past isn't. I think my present and future is going to be something worth reading or talking about though. So that's why I'm starting to get consistent with my blogs. I want to be able to go back and read these and see how much I've matured since the moments I took to blog about what I feel to be important aspects of my life at the time. 

Right now? I should be studying for my last final. Am I? Can't say that I am. Haven't really studied for any of my tests. Actually, I haven't studied for any of my finals. But I still have good enough grades this semester for my scholarships, and next semester my classes will be a lot easier and my GPA will get back up to where everyone expects them to be. Hmph...where everyone expects them to be. I hate that. I hate expectations. Sometimes I just want to do the exact opposite of what everyone expects of me just because. I don't though for the most part. But my last exam for my first semester is in about an hour, and I'm blogging away and procrastinating. 

It's really hard to believe that this is the end of the semester though. First final, not so hot, but overall not a bad grade in the class. Second final, pretty easy I would say so myself and another average grade. Can only imagine what my third final is gonna look like but I know I'm gonna have an overall good grade in the class.  This last final I'm not really worrying about obviously. So pretty much, I've got the GPA to keep my scholarships and grants. Maybe next semester I'll shoot for the Dean's List. Maybe, I don't know.

But I guess I should actually get to looking over some of this material. Finish packing. Load up my car. Say a really hard good-bye. Hit up the road, and be with the family for a month. It's going to be weird being home for that long. Don't think I'm really going to like, can't lie. But I don't think I'm gonna like coming back either. Because when I come back things are going to be different. Different at SWU, different at home, and maybe a different me. Things have been changing so much, so quickly it feels like everything is slipping away. Maybe, one day I'll be able to get a grip on the situation, but it doesn't look like it's gonna be anytime soon. 

So this is it. End of the semester. End of another daggum chapter. Hopefully all of this will make sense looking back on it in a few months or so. I'm gonna miss everyone at SWU and Clemson. But we'll be back soon enough!

Maybe you can afford to wait. Maybe for you there's a tomorrow. Maybe for you there's one thousand tomorrows, or three thousand, or ten, so much time you can bathe in it, roll around it, let it slide like coins through your fingers. So much time you can waste it. But for some of us there's only today. And the truth is, you never really know.

Life is precious. Make use of what you're given and be kind to others. You have problems, but you have no idea what kind of problems other kids are going through. 

"Did you think I didn't need you here to hold my hand, to dry the tears? Did you even miss me through the years at all?"

It's hard to forgive the people who leave you. It's almost impossible for you to forgive the people who were never suppose to go. Everyone in life has a purpose. Fathers are suppose to protect their daughters. Mothers are suppose to be the support when everything is falling apart. Sisters are suppose to stand by you no matter what. Friends are suppose to be the family you turn to when you need someone to love you just because. But, sometimes, people forget their purpose in life.

Fathers that are suppose to protect...instead they cause harm. Sometimes they harm physically. Other times, it's emotionally. Which one is worse? Bones mend, bruises heal, and wounds can be stitched back together. But emotional pain...how do you heal that? The cutting words of "Your mother is never coming back.", the comments of being over-weight, the expectations that you can never reach...how do you heal a person that goes through that?

Mothers that are suppose to support...instead they vanish. Gone and never to come back. Disappear before the major milestones occur in your life. Instead of having your mother drop you off for your first day of school, it's your grandmother. Instead of having your mother get you ready for the first day at the new school, it's your big sisters. Instead of your mother wiping your tears away and fixing your scrapped knees, it's your best friend's mom. Instead of talking to your mother about boys, school, and friends, it's your journal. Instead of your mother planning your 16th birthday party and getting you ready for prom, it's your cousin. Instead of your mother at graduation and bringing you to college, it's a father who doesn't really approve along with his wife. Instead of your mother being there when something goes wrong in college or whatever the future hold, it's the friends you make. It's a magic trick that isn't really appreciated.

Sisters that are suppose to stand by you...instead they watch as you fall. They grow up and become oh so 'wise'. Realized what they used to do, and how wrong it was. How it didn't help improve your situation any. Now that it is your turn to make mistakes, you're the heathen. They don't take the time to understand where you stand because that was them before, remember? Instead of standing by your side, they walk away telling you to follow. You're not allowed to make mistakes because you see everyone else's and your suppose to learn from their mistakes and be perfect yourself. Grow up and learn that the bond of sisterhood isn't always that strong.

Friends that are suppose to be your second family...instead they walk away into the sunset. When the going gets tough, the tough get going...to places where there aren't any troubles. They forget the nights where y'all bonded, the pinky promises made, and the laughter that burned so many calories and the tears that could fill an ocean. Instead of loving you even though there is no blood shared and you can't give them anything but your love, they walk away. Even though they swore they never would. Everything that was sacred is now worthless.

So you build walls. Shut people out because the pain that you go through isn't worth it anymore. Harden the heart, and seal away your soul. It's the only thing you know. People leave, and never look back. You'll never be good enough and they'll just take and take until you have nothing left to give. And when you're broken and feeling really low and really dirty...the only person you can count on is God.

He's been there all along, but you've just been too busy relying on man to make you happy. Once you accept Him into your heart things don't miraculously get better overnight. But it makes things easier. He doesn't weaken any of the storms you're going through, but He gives you the strength to overcome them. Plus, He gives you angels because He knows that you've been longing for someone real...someone that you can depend on. They're the greatest blessings you'll ever receive. But our God is a god that gives...and takes away.

So have faith. Now that you're listening, and He has your full attention, He'll make miracles happen in your life. He gives and takes away because we do things that deserves rewards, and sometimes we do things that deserve punishments. But He never takes anything away, without replacing it with something better...something greater in the end. The greatest blessing of all is that He loves us, and will never leave us. Nothing is better...nothing is greater than that blessing.

2 Corinthians 5:7
Jeremiah 29:11
Matthew 5:14-16

"There are some things children cannot know, because once they learn them they are no longer children."

Well aren't y'all lucky ducks? This is the second daggum blog this week! But this is just something that has been on my mind for a little...when do we really stop being children, and when do we become adults?

I've stopped feeling like a child a long time ago, but I am still looked upon as a child by most people. Also, I make many mistakes that often seem childish, and more often than not I don't handle the consequences as well as I should. However, I feel that our mistakes make us who we are, and big or small, they don't make you a child for making them. Also, the way we handle the mistake can also be another mistake. I've made some mistakes that I'm not quite proud of these past couple weeks.

But, the actions we perform in the future can make up for the actions that we performed in the past. So I'm going to strive to become a better person that makes less mistakes because my mistakes cause others to be disappointed in me. I'm tired of being treated like a child when it's convenient for others, and an adult when it's convenient for them too. Instead of trying to change everyone else, I'm gonna change myself. I know now what it takes to be an 'adult'.

An adult is someone that is responsible. An adult is someone that is honest. An adult is someone that is loyal. An adult is someone that doesn't try to take on situations all by them self. An adult is someone that knows when to rely on others and doesn't try to hide from them.

I think we stop being children and we start being adults when we stop making excuses for our actions. When we finally take responsibility for our actions, and start paving our way for our own future. Not the future that others have planned for you, but the future that you desire for yourself. Wake up and smell the coffee and become who you are meant to be. Life isn't a game for us to play in as children. Life is an opportunity for us to seize as adults to love and care about the people we have in our communities. It's time to grow up and leave the past and move forward into the future.

"It's impossible." said Pride. "It's risky." said Experience. "It's pointless." said Reason. "Give it a try." whispered the Heart.

Haven't thought about my blog in a while and haven't posted in almost two months, so I guess I should get on that shouldn't I? Time has really flown by and my first semester as a freshman at SWU is almost coming to an end. One more set of classes and then it's finals week. My grades weren't the greatest, but they weren't the worst either. I'll definitely have to bring my GPA up though to stay in the Honor's program. I haven't quite decided if I want to do that still or not. But to be honest, school is the farthest thing from my mind right now. 


My best friend, Rachel Walker, is leaving next week. I understand why she's going, and I know it's the best for her and her family, but I'm going to miss her so much. She has quickly become an important person in my life. Which is kind of mind blowing because when I first met her at the beginning of the year she intimidated the heck out of me. I always wanted to be friends with her because she seemed like a cool kid, but I never tried because she seemed like she was too cool for me. I really regret that now because she is a cool kid...just not too cool for me and I wasted that time being afraid of some silly Hawaiian. Time I can't get back, and now its going, going...gone. When we leave for winter break, we'll all be coming back to SWU except for her. It's really gonna hit me when we get back from break because then I won't be able to barge into her room, sleep on her bed/floor, and just plain annoy whenever I want. 


Even though she's leaving, I'm so glad I've gotten to spend as much time as I have with her. She has become someone I look up to...a mentor, best friend, and sister. I love her so much and it's gonna be hard without her next semester. But thank God that we have technology, and we'll be able to Skype, text, and call each other to stay in touch. 


Thank you God for giving me such awesome friends and experiences since I've been at SWU. You've blessed me far beyond what I deserve, and I'm so thankful for Rachel, Emily, Gracie, and Mary. If I can understand anything that you've done in my life, and why you've brought me to SWU, it's those four blessings right there. 

Proverbs 18:24

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Proverbs 17:17