The only people who can truly know your story are the ones that helped you write it.

My life isn't a really interesting story. Well at least my past isn't. I think my present and future is going to be something worth reading or talking about though. So that's why I'm starting to get consistent with my blogs. I want to be able to go back and read these and see how much I've matured since the moments I took to blog about what I feel to be important aspects of my life at the time. 

Right now? I should be studying for my last final. Am I? Can't say that I am. Haven't really studied for any of my tests. Actually, I haven't studied for any of my finals. But I still have good enough grades this semester for my scholarships, and next semester my classes will be a lot easier and my GPA will get back up to where everyone expects them to be. Hmph...where everyone expects them to be. I hate that. I hate expectations. Sometimes I just want to do the exact opposite of what everyone expects of me just because. I don't though for the most part. But my last exam for my first semester is in about an hour, and I'm blogging away and procrastinating. 

It's really hard to believe that this is the end of the semester though. First final, not so hot, but overall not a bad grade in the class. Second final, pretty easy I would say so myself and another average grade. Can only imagine what my third final is gonna look like but I know I'm gonna have an overall good grade in the class.  This last final I'm not really worrying about obviously. So pretty much, I've got the GPA to keep my scholarships and grants. Maybe next semester I'll shoot for the Dean's List. Maybe, I don't know.

But I guess I should actually get to looking over some of this material. Finish packing. Load up my car. Say a really hard good-bye. Hit up the road, and be with the family for a month. It's going to be weird being home for that long. Don't think I'm really going to like, can't lie. But I don't think I'm gonna like coming back either. Because when I come back things are going to be different. Different at SWU, different at home, and maybe a different me. Things have been changing so much, so quickly it feels like everything is slipping away. Maybe, one day I'll be able to get a grip on the situation, but it doesn't look like it's gonna be anytime soon. 

So this is it. End of the semester. End of another daggum chapter. Hopefully all of this will make sense looking back on it in a few months or so. I'm gonna miss everyone at SWU and Clemson. But we'll be back soon enough!

Maybe you can afford to wait. Maybe for you there's a tomorrow. Maybe for you there's one thousand tomorrows, or three thousand, or ten, so much time you can bathe in it, roll around it, let it slide like coins through your fingers. So much time you can waste it. But for some of us there's only today. And the truth is, you never really know.

Life is precious. Make use of what you're given and be kind to others. You have problems, but you have no idea what kind of problems other kids are going through. 

"Did you think I didn't need you here to hold my hand, to dry the tears? Did you even miss me through the years at all?"

It's hard to forgive the people who leave you. It's almost impossible for you to forgive the people who were never suppose to go. Everyone in life has a purpose. Fathers are suppose to protect their daughters. Mothers are suppose to be the support when everything is falling apart. Sisters are suppose to stand by you no matter what. Friends are suppose to be the family you turn to when you need someone to love you just because. But, sometimes, people forget their purpose in life.

Fathers that are suppose to protect...instead they cause harm. Sometimes they harm physically. Other times, it's emotionally. Which one is worse? Bones mend, bruises heal, and wounds can be stitched back together. But emotional pain...how do you heal that? The cutting words of "Your mother is never coming back.", the comments of being over-weight, the expectations that you can never reach...how do you heal a person that goes through that?

Mothers that are suppose to support...instead they vanish. Gone and never to come back. Disappear before the major milestones occur in your life. Instead of having your mother drop you off for your first day of school, it's your grandmother. Instead of having your mother get you ready for the first day at the new school, it's your big sisters. Instead of your mother wiping your tears away and fixing your scrapped knees, it's your best friend's mom. Instead of talking to your mother about boys, school, and friends, it's your journal. Instead of your mother planning your 16th birthday party and getting you ready for prom, it's your cousin. Instead of your mother at graduation and bringing you to college, it's a father who doesn't really approve along with his wife. Instead of your mother being there when something goes wrong in college or whatever the future hold, it's the friends you make. It's a magic trick that isn't really appreciated.

Sisters that are suppose to stand by you...instead they watch as you fall. They grow up and become oh so 'wise'. Realized what they used to do, and how wrong it was. How it didn't help improve your situation any. Now that it is your turn to make mistakes, you're the heathen. They don't take the time to understand where you stand because that was them before, remember? Instead of standing by your side, they walk away telling you to follow. You're not allowed to make mistakes because you see everyone else's and your suppose to learn from their mistakes and be perfect yourself. Grow up and learn that the bond of sisterhood isn't always that strong.

Friends that are suppose to be your second family...instead they walk away into the sunset. When the going gets tough, the tough get going...to places where there aren't any troubles. They forget the nights where y'all bonded, the pinky promises made, and the laughter that burned so many calories and the tears that could fill an ocean. Instead of loving you even though there is no blood shared and you can't give them anything but your love, they walk away. Even though they swore they never would. Everything that was sacred is now worthless.

So you build walls. Shut people out because the pain that you go through isn't worth it anymore. Harden the heart, and seal away your soul. It's the only thing you know. People leave, and never look back. You'll never be good enough and they'll just take and take until you have nothing left to give. And when you're broken and feeling really low and really dirty...the only person you can count on is God.

He's been there all along, but you've just been too busy relying on man to make you happy. Once you accept Him into your heart things don't miraculously get better overnight. But it makes things easier. He doesn't weaken any of the storms you're going through, but He gives you the strength to overcome them. Plus, He gives you angels because He knows that you've been longing for someone real...someone that you can depend on. They're the greatest blessings you'll ever receive. But our God is a god that gives...and takes away.

So have faith. Now that you're listening, and He has your full attention, He'll make miracles happen in your life. He gives and takes away because we do things that deserves rewards, and sometimes we do things that deserve punishments. But He never takes anything away, without replacing it with something better...something greater in the end. The greatest blessing of all is that He loves us, and will never leave us. Nothing is better...nothing is greater than that blessing.

2 Corinthians 5:7
Jeremiah 29:11
Matthew 5:14-16

"There are some things children cannot know, because once they learn them they are no longer children."

Well aren't y'all lucky ducks? This is the second daggum blog this week! But this is just something that has been on my mind for a little...when do we really stop being children, and when do we become adults?

I've stopped feeling like a child a long time ago, but I am still looked upon as a child by most people. Also, I make many mistakes that often seem childish, and more often than not I don't handle the consequences as well as I should. However, I feel that our mistakes make us who we are, and big or small, they don't make you a child for making them. Also, the way we handle the mistake can also be another mistake. I've made some mistakes that I'm not quite proud of these past couple weeks.

But, the actions we perform in the future can make up for the actions that we performed in the past. So I'm going to strive to become a better person that makes less mistakes because my mistakes cause others to be disappointed in me. I'm tired of being treated like a child when it's convenient for others, and an adult when it's convenient for them too. Instead of trying to change everyone else, I'm gonna change myself. I know now what it takes to be an 'adult'.

An adult is someone that is responsible. An adult is someone that is honest. An adult is someone that is loyal. An adult is someone that doesn't try to take on situations all by them self. An adult is someone that knows when to rely on others and doesn't try to hide from them.

I think we stop being children and we start being adults when we stop making excuses for our actions. When we finally take responsibility for our actions, and start paving our way for our own future. Not the future that others have planned for you, but the future that you desire for yourself. Wake up and smell the coffee and become who you are meant to be. Life isn't a game for us to play in as children. Life is an opportunity for us to seize as adults to love and care about the people we have in our communities. It's time to grow up and leave the past and move forward into the future.

"It's impossible." said Pride. "It's risky." said Experience. "It's pointless." said Reason. "Give it a try." whispered the Heart.

Haven't thought about my blog in a while and haven't posted in almost two months, so I guess I should get on that shouldn't I? Time has really flown by and my first semester as a freshman at SWU is almost coming to an end. One more set of classes and then it's finals week. My grades weren't the greatest, but they weren't the worst either. I'll definitely have to bring my GPA up though to stay in the Honor's program. I haven't quite decided if I want to do that still or not. But to be honest, school is the farthest thing from my mind right now. 


My best friend, Rachel Walker, is leaving next week. I understand why she's going, and I know it's the best for her and her family, but I'm going to miss her so much. She has quickly become an important person in my life. Which is kind of mind blowing because when I first met her at the beginning of the year she intimidated the heck out of me. I always wanted to be friends with her because she seemed like a cool kid, but I never tried because she seemed like she was too cool for me. I really regret that now because she is a cool kid...just not too cool for me and I wasted that time being afraid of some silly Hawaiian. Time I can't get back, and now its going, going...gone. When we leave for winter break, we'll all be coming back to SWU except for her. It's really gonna hit me when we get back from break because then I won't be able to barge into her room, sleep on her bed/floor, and just plain annoy whenever I want. 


Even though she's leaving, I'm so glad I've gotten to spend as much time as I have with her. She has become someone I look up to...a mentor, best friend, and sister. I love her so much and it's gonna be hard without her next semester. But thank God that we have technology, and we'll be able to Skype, text, and call each other to stay in touch. 


Thank you God for giving me such awesome friends and experiences since I've been at SWU. You've blessed me far beyond what I deserve, and I'm so thankful for Rachel, Emily, Gracie, and Mary. If I can understand anything that you've done in my life, and why you've brought me to SWU, it's those four blessings right there. 

Proverbs 18:24

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Proverbs 17:17

Tough Times

Time has really flown by since being up here in Central/Clemson, but it's been an awesome experience so far. Although it's been an awesome experience, there have been plenty of tough times. Realizing that the classmates that you talked to from home don't always carry over when you leave to go to college is always upsetting. But since coming here, I've realized two things that are a lot worse than a couple classmates that haven't made it from the past to the present.

First, is that the people you always thought would make it to your future don't. Not just the classmates, but your VERY best friends. It's come to my realization that you can only invest so much into a person until it becomes dangerous. Dangerous in the ways it starts to affect your thoughts, moods, behavior, and most importantly your relationship with Christ. But that last one is something to emphasize later. Anyhow, I'm getting sidetracked. College has taught me a tough, and much needed lesson about life and friends. Invest in your friends from back home, but don't get stuck in the past. Don't allow yourself to only think of the friends you have back home. Don't allow yourself to become upset when they don't think of you as often as you think of them. Don't allow yourself to become moody with the people around when you're in college; remember they're your friends too and they care about you. College is the place where you can find some true life-long friends...but only if you allow yourself to cultivate those friendships. And if you're stuck in the past investing all of yourself in your best friend back home, you're going to miss that chance. This is your time to find who you are and make mistakes. You might not hang out with the right people your first semester, but that's okay. You can make new friends. College is a time of transition and reflection. It's also a place and time where you can really grow your relationship with God.

And this is the second realization I've come to since being up here. God is an awesome god. He deserves glory, praise, and our utter devotion to Him. However, sometimes, we don't give Him all that He deserves. We make idols of the things here on Earth and make them a higher priority than Him. For me, I've realized my idols that I placed above God have been my friendships. I've always invested a lot into my friends...especially my best friends. And I would let my friendships come before God. I realized that I feared man more than I feared God. I was and still am what you can call a Codependent Person. It's something I'm still in the process of being free of. But, the amazing thing about the whole thing is that God still wants me and forgives me for not being devoted to Him and fearing man more than I feared Him. He is truly an awesome God.

So just take a moment and just breathe. What are some idols that you have in your life? You're bound to have one or two of them. And just take a moment and apologize to God and take the steps to return to Him and glorify His name. If you haven't made it to college yet...savor the time you have in high school. Those times might be the last you see of some people and while you might think now that you don't mind if you never see them again you will miss some people and wish for more time with them. And if you're here in college...don't miss out on opportunities by living in the past. Get out there, meet new people, get plugged into a great church, and have fun! Oh yeah...passing your classes so that you can stay in college would be good too:)

Hebrews 10:10
Matthew 6:34
Hebrews 13:5-6

Bowman Field

Sitting on Bowman Field tonight watching the road as the sun was setting made me really think about my faith journey. If you've ever been on Bowman you'll know what I'm talking about, but I was sitting in front of the steps where the statue of the man in uniform is, and I was looking at the road where Clemson House, the BCM building, and all of that other stuff is and as the sun is setting it really made me think. Picture this...right in front of you, you see a bunch of trees and it's pitch black. No light whatsoever. Then you look to the left just a little bit. There's a little bit of light shining through, not much but you can see the light from an apartment or something. Look a little farther down to the left and you get a bit more light. And finally you look all the way down and you see the intersection and it's all lit up. That's God, He's the light. Now that you have that image, put some cars in there. Those cars are us. Some are driving towards the intersection, towards the light. And some of us either started in the dark or came from the light and are driving away from that intersection. A lot of us are driving away from the Lord because it's a little bit easier to live in the dark. It's not so busy and at times it seems peaceful. But it really isn't. That intersection may seem scary but you're so alive there and nothing can describe how good it is to be at peace with the Lord. The darkness may seem peaceful but it's a lie. In the darkness, you're dead because without God you're stuck. And as you're driving away from Him, you're just driving away from life.

But as I was watching this scene unfold in front of me, God gave me hope for when we're driving away from Him. I watched as a taxi cab was driving away from the intersection, the light, and suddenly made a U-turn. It just made me think about how we're that driver driving away from the light and someone tells us that we're going the wrong way and we turn around to fix our mistake. If we're driving away, God is willing and wants us to make that U-turn and come back to him. 

This impacted me a lot tonight and I believe God let me experience that because He wanted to show me how much He loves me and to help me grow my faith in Him and to share with others this joyous experience I felt when I realized that tonight. Because that was a joyous experience to realize that the Spirit within me allowed me to understand the meaning behind the image that He was showing me and to know that his Son is the reason why we can drive to the light and when we drive away from it, we're allowed to make a U-turn back to Him.

1 John 1:7

1 Corinthians 13: 4-8